HOQU vol.2. A play in 4 acts - shitcoinoffering

HOQU vol.2. A play in 4 acts

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HOQU vol.2. A play in 4 acts



Shitcoinoffering – unbiased media

Roman Kaufman-Mikhalev – a casted out HOQU founder

Alexander Duzhnikov – HOQU founder

Andrey Duzhnikov – HOQU founder’s brother

Maxim Anikiev – HOQU spiritual leader

Aleksey Shmonov – the person responsible for HOQU

The ghost of the product – a platform, which HOQU promised to create

Investor – a person who paid for this and lost all of his money


Act 1. Coming out


Scene 1


Office in Moscow-City. The Duzhnikov Brothers are drinking Beluga vodka and eating black caviar sandwiches. Buzova’s music video is playing on a huge TV screen, recently she launched her own so-called version of ‘cryptocurrency’ Buzcoin.

Alexander Duzhnikov: Would ya guys fuck her?

Andrey Duzhnikov: Yes, Alex.

Anikiev (throws his sandwich at the screen, black caviar scattered across the office): Hell no! She’s an old ass skank, besides she doesn’t know a shit about crypto. Did you see how much money her scam made? Fucking nothing. Half a million max. She’s nothing compared to us!


Shmonov rushes in. One can tell by his face that he’s worried. He runs up to the table, grabs vodka and chugs 300 g straight from the bottle.


Aleksey Shmonov: My friends, we’re screwed!

Alexander Duzhnikov: What happened?

Andrey Duzhnikov: Yes, Alex.

Shmonov: Shitcoinoffering exposed every single detail of our scam! It went viral and everyone’s sharing it!

Duzhnikov: That’s not good.

Duzhnikov: Yes, Alex.

Anikiev: Calm your tits, you pussies. Those douchebags aren’t shit. We got the money, fame, cars and bitches. And God is on our side. Guys, who are we?

All together: The Goodfellas!


Scene 2


A coworking space in a Moscow suburb. Roman Kaufman-Michalev is drinking his 11th coffee of the day, heavily breathing and tapping his fingers on the table.


Kaufman-Mikhalev: These guys got HOQU good, they even put me in a dress. Fucking douchebags. Although… while everybody’s talking about it, I can blame it all on my so-called “partners”. That asshole Anikiev, Shmonov, Duzhnikov brother. I hate them all. Maybe it’s is my chance to take back what the Lord has intended for me.


(Goes on Medium and starts to type)

After all of this, Roman exhales, leaves the coworking space, takes the subway, goes home and falls asleep for 26 hours.


Act 2. The Answer


Scene 1


Michelin restaurant in Singapore. Duzhnikov brothers, Shmonov and Anikiev are drinking Beluga and eating sushi with black caviar. Some topless Asian chick is singing about heartbreak.


Shmonov (looks with anger at his phone): That son of a bitch Kaufman-fucking-Mikhalev snitched on us! He mentioned your cars, the Caucasus thugs… yeah, I’m looking at you Maxim! Fucking shit.

Alexander Duzhnikov: What are we gonna do?

Andrey Duzhnikov: Yes, Alex?

Anikiev: Get your shit together. This is what we gonna do. We’re gonna publish an official answer. Something like, Roma, aren’t you the one who’s fucking nuts? You were the one who wanted to buy your mom a house, said she likes pink. You didn’t get the house, so now you’re bitching around. The project is doing A-okay. Developers are working, a Telegram channel for lemmings was created. Go ahead, call the Chinese mafia, ‘cause the Caucasus one couldn’t handle the job. The 2 BTC that we sent them was a complete waste. Good thing it’s investors’ money lmao. Guys, who are we?

All together: The Goodfellas!

Scene 2


Kaufman-Mikhalev is in a taxi. He just ran away from Chinese thugs dressed as a woman. While he’s looking for a place to crash on Airbnb during the corporate war, he goes on Medium and writes his second dismantling letter.

Act 3. Skeletons In The Closet


Scene 1


Las Vegas. Caesar’s Palace. Duzhnikov brothers, Shmonov and Anikiev are drinking Beluga vodka and eating burgers with patties made from virgin pandas. All of them have just epically lost playing roulette.


Alexander Duzhnikov: I told you to bet on the black numbers. This is America. They’re black, we’re red. It’s not fucking rocket science!

Andrey Duzhnikov: Yes, Alex.

Shmonov: What will I tell my wife? I promised her to build a Disneyland in Siberia.

Anikiev: You know what? All of you, go fuck yourself. I came up with the idea of HOQU, I made you millionaires and now I have to listen to all this crap? One more negative comment and you’ll go help Roman investigate shit in coworkings, got it? Who are we?

All together: The Goodfellas!


Scene 2


It has been 3 days since Kaufman-Mikhalev left his house. From time to time he looks out of his window and sees either Caucasus guys or Chinese looking fellas. He’s shivering from fear and dizzy from hunger.


Kaufman-Mikhalev: I know that you, my ex-friends, are trying to break me, but it is not that easy as you may think. Check out this new portion of revelations.

Act 4. The Legacy


Scene 1


Office in Moscow-City. Duzhnikov brothers, Shmonov and Anikiev are drinking Beluga and eating black caviar sandwiches. In the background on the screen Ian Balina is promoting to invest in some new scam.


Alexander Duzhnikov: What’s our plan? We ain’t got no money left. So we’re gonna move to North Korea and create some national cryptocurrency or what? We’re gonna get locked up here.

Andrey Duzhnikov: Yes, Alex. Let’s do that.

Shmonov: North Korea?! Are you kidding me, I have a family, kids, football on the weekends. Let’s try to get away with it!

Anikiev: Great idea, Alexey! You go ahead and work it out. But I have 54 other crypto projects, so I’ll leave you guys here and go back to them. We had some good times, guys. You do remember who we were?

All together: The Goodfellas!

Scene 2


Kaufman-Mikhakev is sitting in some lawyers office in Moscow and preparing a lawsuit against his former friends. The lawyers broke into his rented flat after the 2 days when he was not answering their phone calls. Roman was in a smashed state. They showered him, fed him, and convinced him that everything will be ok. That lifted his spirit and he posted on Medium again.

Scene 3


Somewhere in a different dimension of other acting characters. Shitcoinoffering, investor and the ghost of the project are drinking beer and eating pizza.


Shitcoinoffering: It looks like those guys didn’t learn anything from my article.

Investor: I did. Not a single founder of HOQU gives a shit about me. They’re battling each other, arguing whos dick is bigger while sharing out my money. It sucks that I found out too late. Can you warn me about things like that in advance?

Shitcoinoffering: I’ll try. I was a bit late with Ubex too. But now I’ll be more proactive.

Investor: Thanks. Btw, what you’ve been up to?

The ghost of the project: Same as before. They talk about me, mention me, but don’t want to do shit. You saw how they partied in Vegas. Maybe if they’d bet in on the black numbers as Duzhnikov said, somebody would code something. oh well, it wasn’t meant to be. So let’s drink to that.

Shitcoinoffering: Agree.

Investor: Cheers!



As the audience got up and started to clap, cars with sirens rode onto the stage. As per the the request of those, who invested during the private sale, the case has been handed to Internal Affairs. As the audience was leaving the building, the police were interrogating the main characters. Duzhnikovs, Shmonov and Anikiev blamed it all on Kaufman-Mikhalev, and he blamed them. It seems that this story is not finished.


To be continued.

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